literature

I Used To Crave This

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Published: Dec 17, 2014

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_{I can't tell if this darkness I'm feeling is self inflicted, or if someone is to blame. Every ounce of me wants to look outwardly, and point my finger at someone else. However, I believe the majority of my rationale sides with the mentality that the only problem is me. My mind is constantly spinning, and for some reason I've convinced myself that it's not okay. I thought I was better than this, better than all of it. I was too strong to feel this way. I could never be just as bad as everyone else. I could never fall victim to the crippling thoughts of inferiority plaguing every ounce of my being. I was always the one people would come to when they were feeling down, when they needed advice, when they needed to vent. I went on for so long being confused for someone who is sturdy and unmovable, unwavering in my ability to sort through all of the ailments this world has to offer. There isn't enough pestilence in the world to medicate myself into feeling myself. When did I reject my confidence, and where do I find it? We used to be the best of friends. We knew everything about each other and we worked hand-in-hand, traversing this world effortlessly. Everything I loved I held dearly, and my talents were executed flawlessly. Now, it hurts to even put a string of words together. I have so much baggage, I worry that when the day finally comes, there won't be a grave deep enough for me. All of the praise fooled me into believing I was done growing, and that I was ready to conquer everything before me. I never took the time to care for myself and to keep my soul satiated. It is starving and growing more ravenous by the day and I haven't the slightest clue what will quench the appetite. I can't turn my back on something I convinced myself was everything. I have accomplished too much to allow this sinking feeling of insecurity bring me to my knees, unless it is to thank the skies for what they have afforded me. I am but stardust and molecules wrapped tightly around thoughts, desires, dreams, aches, shining brightly and compacted tightly; a beam of light traveling from one vessel to another until the journey is completed. I would hate to waste it's time while I'm the husk, but lately I've been feeling rather empty. The question remains, how do I get back on fucking track, and know that I am worthy?}

journey losinghope novelist passion path soul writing

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I Used To Crave This

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