literature

Fleeting Faith

Deviation Actions

Published: Oct 10, 2014

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Literature Text

_{it was so haunting
all of my life
feeling as if i
have to run
for my life

i blamed a lot
on my past

my demons were
not of my own
doing

i believed
with my whole
being
that my demons
were created by
others

my father
my abuse
my upbringing
my past love

it's still haunting
knowing that
i can't blame
anyone
but myself

My biggest fear was becoming my father. For years I spent all of my time trying to be the exact opposite of the type of man he was. I felt him surface every once in a while. The rage, the anger, the shouting, the posturing, the holes in the walls, all of it. I felt like there was an animal caged inside of me. I had to constantly battle to keep it contained. Until I discovered that what I thought of my father was wrong. He was not angry. He did not have rage. He did not have resentment. I spent my whole life running from something that I created. So if I wasn't becoming my father, what am I becoming? I can't pretend anymore that he is the enemy. I can't blame anybody else. I am the monster I have feared all along.

so what will
make my soul
stop starving
before it is
gone for good

i can't shake
this darkness
this void
this empty feeling

i'm losing my faith
in myself
in others
i'm losing it all

i can't believe in
anybody else
until i believe
in myself
once again

but the question
remains
where do i
start

i have done what feels like irreparable damage
i pushed away everyone that matters the most
hoping to spare them from any further pain
when this very act is what is causing it now

i am only half a man
you have so much faith in me
but where is my faith
you believe in me til the end
but how can i be sure
you know all of the answers
but i question it all

i am afraid of so much
but most of all
i'm afraid of myself

i tried letting go
but it wasn't enough
and now all i want
is to say
i care
more than you'll ever know

and i live through
you
and i live through
you

and all i can say is
keep away from me
even though i need
you now
more than ever
please stay with me
is what my mind
keeps screaming
all i can say is
keep away from me

i am toxic

and i live through
you
and i live for
you

so please just wait

wait for me to get
through
wait for me to get
whole
wait for me to get
better
wait for me to get
myself

you need so much more
you deserve so much more
each and every
one of you

i've lost my faith
in a lot of things
but most of all
myself

please be happy
please be happy now
please be happy
without me
within me

you keep trying to
tell me the
truth
but i guess
everyone has
a different
truth

i need to
know
which one
is real
and which one
is hope

just know
you'll see me again}